I’ve been seeing a lot of posts on social media expressing insecurity and uneasiness about what they are doing with themselves and their lives. Especially from people who are trying to heal and move on from a self-destructive past.
Trust me, I’ve been there. I don’t know the internet personally, but I know that sometimes a few words of encouragement and reassurance can make a difference.
Sometimes we get trapped in this mental cycle of we’re not doing enough. That our best isn’t good enough, that we have to do more, and perform at 100% all the time.
Personal experience has taught me that someone always has a rebuttal of times when someone is claiming “I’m doing my best!” When that’s not really the case. So I’m adding a quick note about it: There are certainly times when “best isn’t good enough,” mainly applying to situations where “I’m doing my best” doesn’t have a lot of effort into it. It’s not your best if you’re not even trying.
But mostly, life is a long-race. It’s not a sprint. Doing your best is good enough, when you’re putting a GENUINE effort into it. Even if you only move an inch one day, it’s still an inch further than you were.
When we are abused, we sometimes feel like it’s something we’ve done to ourselves. Whether the abuser has convinced you that you shouldn’t have provoked them, you think that this is karma for a past action, or that the abuser can’t help it, and therefore, we should just take it.
There’s a few reasons we fall into this thinking. Often times, it’s because the abuser has convinced their victim that they are at always at fault. But there’s another reason victims rationalize abuse.
Sometimes we cope with trauma by rationalizing it. We try to frame it as we deserve it. It’s not because we WANT to be abused, or that we feel self-pity.
There is a sense of control in saying “I deserve to be abused.” The sense of control comes from “I could have done something differently, and therefore, I can prevent it from happening again.”
However, that line of thinking is a trauma-response. There is no situation where you deserve abuse. The abuse was not your fault AND YOU DID NOT DESERVE IT.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED.
EVER.
Nobody is all-knowing. It’s okay to be in over your head sometimes, and ask for help.
You are valid.
You are enough.
That is the scroll of truth.
If you are in a situation that is deeply impacting your mental health, you are allowed to leave. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship, family situation, living arrangement, etc . . . just because people are saying you have to. You are allowed to take care of yourself.
Even if “everyone else knows it already!” Doesn’t mean you have to know it.
Unless you are a professional that is expected to have knowledge in their expertise (like surgeons and politicians), you don’t have to be a walking Wikipedia. Your learning process does not have to be as fast as everyone else’s.
It’s okay not to know things.
There is nothing wrong with needing psychiatric medication. If you need the meds, it’s okay to take them. In fact, you SHOULD take them. Period.
I’ve seen many people stay in unhappy situations because “they’ve done it for so long. and they can’t throw all their hard work and emotional investment away!”
Listen, there is some truth in that, but only to an extent. Investing in something is good, but if there’s no longer any happiness or benefit from it, you are not obligated to keep going just because you’ve worked so long on it.
You are allowed to change your life in the way that you feel is best.
“Conscience-less abusers” are relatively rare. In many cases, an abuser is repeating a cycle that they have learned growing up, OR they have an undiagnosed mental illness that hasn’t been treated (like bipolar).
It is NEVER okay to abuse someone. But if you are coping with being the antagonizer in a toxic past, you ARE allowed to heal, improve, and move forward. This does not condone past behavior, but it clears away the emotional debris to make way for a healthier future.
You don’t have to cling to every terrible thing you’ve ever done. You can accept without condoning, and you can heal without forgetting. You don’t have to hold onto the label of “toxic person” forever.
All self-love matters. You don’t have to differentiate between when you are worthy of love, and when you are worthy of healing and moving forward.
I think of this especially with people who are trying to move on from destructive pasts. You might not be able to make amends with everyone. You might be the villain in someone else’s tale.
But you don’t have to be the villain in your own tale. You are worthy of love, you are worthy of healing. It is never the case that you are worthy of healing, and not worthy of love. Or worthy of love, but not worthy of healing.
You don’t have to be some super genius, or multi-talented individual to be enough. You don’t have to have these qualities to make a difference.
If you leave a positive impact on even one person, you are making a difference. And that is both valid, and enough.
Be kind to yourself. You are the one who has to live with you 24/7.
There’s a reason my text layout includes the little dots and extra paragraph breaks. If you’re interested in the reason behind this, I explained it here.