Commodifying Forgiveness and Emotional Abuse

Sometimes an abuser is actually being held accountable. They’ll try to save themselves by convincing you to forgive them. One of the ways they do this is by making you question your emotional intelligence by calling upon you to “be the bigger person.” But this isn’t a matter of emotional intelligence – they’re trying to get out of trouble. I want my little brother to recognize and understand the difference in this.

A bigger person is someone that can talk things out. They validate both your emotions and their own emotions. They are open to constructive feedback, and work to find a healthy solution. They don’t get lost in petty squabble, or hold unreasonable grudges. They are well balanced, but also: they respect themselves.

None of these transgressions are miniscule. In fact, many of these require legal action in some way. The problem is, the abuser doesn’t want to be in any kind of trouble, so they try to manipulate their way out of it.

There’s always some excuse that makes it not their fault, that you are now somehow morally obligated to forgive and forget. This is NOT about being a bigger person. This is about bailing their buddy out of trouble.

None of these can be fixed by “a bigger person.” These can only be fixed by the abuser knocking off this shitty behavior. That’s the point I want to emphasize.

You were not the one who put yourself in coma. They are going to jail because they committed serious violence they need to answer for.

“Be the bigger person” IN THIS CONTEXT. This is NOT the same as being a bigger person overall. Being the bigger person means acting from emotional intelligence, not oppressing yourself to avoid stepping on someone’s toes.

Your forgiveness is NOT a “get out of jail card.” It is the final step in the healing process, and it is something YOU should have the power to control. Trying to bargain with you not only hinders the healing process, it’s outrageously selfish. You don’t get to hurt someone, and then expect them to bail you out of the resulting mess.

A bigger person has emotional intelligence, and self-respect. They recognize when they are being held emotional hostage by an abuser, and reject those terms. Not because they want to hurt the other person, but because they refuse to be abused.

I WANT you to be emotionally intelligent. I want you to be kind, fair, understanding, and a problem-solver. I also want you to recognize when you are being played by an abuser, and reject them. You don’t have to be the bigger person, if being the bigger person means bargaining with an abuser to get them out of trouble.

There’s a reason my text layout includes the little dots and extra paragraph breaks. If you’re interested in the reason behind this, I explained it here.