Recap: I have bipolar 1 with psychotic features. This normally manifests in me hearing music in my left ear, and I make a funny little post about it.
.
Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything funny to say about this episode. I’m having an extremely sad hallucination, and it was easily avoidable.
.
I made a post asking everyone to take care of their mental health after explaining that I paralyzed my face from stress. This should have been a rather large indicator to take it easy. I did not take it easy.
.
Bipolar Type 1 means it comes with manic symptoms. The concept of “take it easy” does not exist in Mania’s dictionary. It’s a sensation of extreme stress, and yet still feeling like you can do anything when you get these massive bursts of energy. I’d equate it to chugging back three monsters while running on two hours of sleep.
.
This was why I thought it would be the most TERRIFIC idea to both sign up for a physics class (having not taken one in eight years), and to make two educational posts about THE VIETNAM WAR, which of course is a highly emotional and political topic.
.
I was not surprised when the stress finally broke me today. I was already on the rocks when I made my previous post about being depressed and exhausted, but today the floodgates burst open, and the hallucinations came back. No shadow people, fortunately. I am concerned that’s coming, but right now I’m okay on that front.
.
It’s the same “music in my left ear” weirdness, but this time it’s EXTRA WEIRD… because it’s my dad. It’s also extra sad.
.
My dad is an Americana musician. I would say he’s pretty good – has a small following, been on the radio before, etc… I don’t know whether to post this song, out of concern of coming off as “advertising.”
.
Anyway, my absolute favorite song of his is about someone we knew. He was my dad’s best friend, who is now serving 75 years in a federal prison for bank robbery. He’s not getting out alive.
.
It really impacted my dad. He still keeps his buddy’s hat hanging on the wall. And he wrote this beautiful, sad song about it. It’s such a good song, but it makes me tear up because I know the story behind it… I FELT the story behind it.
.
And this song is now playing in my left ear… I can hear the depth of the sadness in my dad’s voice, as he sings about the best friend that is never coming home… and it just makes me so sad with him.
.
There’s nothing funny to write about it. I tried, but I found myself adding parts that weren’t happening, and that makes it completely ingenuine. This particular experience with psychosis is just too raw. Too sad. Too real, despite it being unreal.
.
The only funny thing I could think to say: “I am also internally screaming. I did not realize how aggravating it was to have your parents breathing down your neck, until they are quite literally singing in your left ear.
.
“I suppose it could be worse. He could be Rick-Rolling me, which would end me up in a hospital from going more insane than I‘ve already gone.”
.
But as I type those words, I only hear the sorrow in my dad’s voice as he sings the song he personally wrote about a devastating personal loss… a loss that I both experienced WITH him, and witnessed him experience it as an adult (I was 10 at the time this happened).
.
I have unenrolled from that physics class, and will be sticking to topics that are not political in any way whatsoever. I know that will help immensely.
.
This too, shall pass. But this is completely out of my element, despite putting up with psychosis for almost all of my life. I’ve NEVER had my dad sing in my left ear, and I hope to fuck this NEVER happens again.
.
Thanks for reading. It felt good to put this somewhere.
Hallucinations is like a side dish when it comes to bipolar disorder. It might be included, it might not. If you don’t have hallucinations, you’re still bipolar – you simply don’t have hallucinations WITH your bipolar.
Here’s the link to the song. https://youtu.be/uWGaoGNbYvE
There’s a reason my text layout includes the little dots and extra paragraph breaks. If you’re interested in the reason behind this, I explained it here.